Over the course of my walk with Christ, just in the moment to moments I feel a constant wave of success and failure. That at camps, trips, church, ministry events, alone in Scripture, Mission Trips, Discipleship, ect.... I am walking in the footprints of Jesus. There are even times when I am eating up scripture and have deep lengthy time of prayer/meditation. Being a witness is as easy as breathing it just pours out, and boldness rises up. I dont even have to try and share Jesus with all my friends because even when I meet people in public but the opportunity creates itself. I have seasons of intense fellowship with believers wiser and stronger than I. My life seems unbreakable, because I have peace in the Hope of Christ, in Christ.
But I also have seasons of life when nothing I do for Christ sparks any flames. I continue to act like I am living like a mighty warrior that has returned from battle. When I am really falling into sin, hurting others with my cynical harsh words, destroying my witness around my unsaved friends. In how I may talk about others through gossip, sarcasm that is beyond crude, and by what I laugh at that is sinful and should really break my spirit for others. I can't find clever ways to talk about Jesus, and it only comes out awkward, and my depth and quantity of intake of God's word is shallow and prayer is nonexistent.
Both of theses seasons above could last a week, month, year. Right now is different, before It fell like I was either in a summer time of Spiritual Success, or a Winter of Spiritual slumber. As of now I am in a spring or a fall I do not really know but it is cluttered with both aspects of failure and success at the same time.
Two Worlds that Collide from Time to Time
I live two lives, not that I am a two faced person, but just that I live in two different worlds that overlap from time to time. Theses two worlds are called Ministry and Walk with Christ. There is much overlap with who I am in both of theses worlds, but at times I can have an incredible breakthrough with character development in my walk with Christ, but on the flip side with ministry I could put together an event night and then not have students attend. Even the flip flop could happen, I end up flopping on the way I treated my family this could be by me being distant, from spending time or distant in sharing my life. I am out of scripture for weeks at a time causing old tendances to pop out again. Making me feel like I should be further and more mature in my Walk with Christ than I really am. Then I go into ministry world and I am able to speak words of wisdom to a student, and also give an impacting message that in small groups students open up adding to the discussion. Sometimes I am given an assignment from a co-worker, so I accomplish the task, but then I forget to follow up on long term scheduling of events or forget to budget out a trip fully. My life smashes together and time I thought I had is simply not there period. I am learning from my blunders with small mistakes, and my big ones. Once second I have everything aligned and it looks like a work of art, but then like life something unexpected comes in like a wrench in an engine. Now the thing that seemed beautiful is in pieces.
Being Pulled in Different Directions
It is not easy making strides of progress in one area and then degressing in another area. Not only is it not easy but to put it plainly it is not fun. I look far more to my degression than to my progress, allowing one or the other to shape my outlook in my walk with Jesus. From School starting up, Football Training, Social Life, Ministry in Eureka, My Internship with Metamora Campus Life, My Future Pursuits in Life, Church involvement "or lack of this summer", sinfulness, relationships with others, and first most learning/growing in relationship with My God, I am a man with many different objectives. Some are plainly good, common, thus is life, but some are purely overwhelming. I go like a light switch between being passionate, to apathetic about it all.Problems Easy to Identify, Even Solve, but practicality... can seem Slightly Impossible.
Nearly every single time, I am approached with failure from another I come off defensive, tring to either make excuses, justify my situation, or craft my failure into not a big deal. Therefore making what I have done or not done, not seem like a problem. From the list above, excuses, justification, or crafting my failure in to a small problem is in all actuality a lie. Let's call theses actions what they are, Lies.
By Lying I push responsibility away from myself, and I at the same time hold the Holy Spirit at arms length, picking and choosing what I think I need to be cleaned/healed from.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 
Many times when I read this verse I picture a trust fall, when I do not know what is going on in life. I all I need to do is fall back and God is going to catch me right? But this illustration does not make sense, it puts the trust in the the unknown, the person falling does not know who is catching them. I want to know whom I am trusting to catch me, I imagine a little boy jumping in the the arms of the Father to catch him, that is real trust. I see confidence in the leap, in to God, not our own understanding/superstitions/ ignorance.Dealing with Success and Failure in a serious way.
I think of my need for forgiveness and grace, and reform. In 2Corinthians 2:1-17 (read it) I see a urge not to forgive and move on, but I see a urge to forgive, reform, and love. Look v. 5-7 Now if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure-not to put it too severely-to all of you. For such a one, this punishment by majority is enough, so that you should rather to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. That when people point out flaws, and mishaps this draws a response of sorrowfulness over brokenness, and as a reaction, defensive actions are taken. That is why v.8 says- So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him. Whenever failures are pointed out reaffirm love. With principles like forgive,reform and love, it turns out great failures into success, and opportunity to grow. I am most thankful for the word but, in the Bible, it is with this interjection that some of the most redeeming aspects of scripture are shown. v 14-17 But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Whos is sufficient for these things? For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God's word, but as men of sincerity as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ.
Let my Failures point to my lack of sufficiency to be the key for life, but also allow my moments of Success point to my sincerity as an aroma of Christ to God, that can be shown to men. Lest I can do is jump into the arms of my Father in Heaven, who knows my best.
